Take a minute ...READ THIS

So I was checking out one of my besties blogs she posted about this link yesterday about an article she had run across. I cannot even tell you how awesome this is...GO here and READ THIS ...I promise it is worth your time.. this girl can seriously write.

(apparently my link button isnt working so you will have to copy and paste it to read..but trust me..it is worth the extra two seconds that will take.


http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151


There is a story behind EVERYTHING....It is so sad to me that we are more empathetic and understanding to others when we know the story behind their actions, attitude, etc...


We must see past what it seems.


I know with me personally, this hit me particulary hard right now.

I need to get things put back into perpective of what I will do more of...

I hope we all can be better at seeing the signs before needing to be humbled by having to hear the story.

Thank you "miguel" for posting this:) I am missing my ptown besties. just sayin.

happy mothers Day?

It is official. Both my boys are in school. Happy Mothers Day to Me? Except..I am still needing to get used to this me time. It is so unreal to me to think that I no longer have any little babies at home. I feel a little lost to tell you the truth.(anyone have a baby i can borrow?) Except for I feel like all I do with my time now, is go back and forth to and from the bus stop most of the day.

Con Man takes off for the bus at 7:25 every morning.

Gavin takes off for the bus at 8:45.

Gavin comes home at 12:25

Conner comes home at 2:25.

Wow ..that kinda felt like I was writing a DR. Seuss book!

So of course I gotta get in on the record the cutest Kindergartner EVER....but.. like I have mentioned before ....I am a little biast..

The Gavinator on his first day of school!


Yes.. that is usually how the first pic goes when I take this ones picture...it is either that...or sometimes he pretends to be "gansta"


Speaking of "gansta" ...he loves to wear this "grill"(I hope u can even see the "grill" due to the small pic.



I mean..seriously. I just hope he doesn't turn into this "gansta" grandpa when he is old...aren't the shorts the COOLEST! Definitely my new FAV! Wonder if I could them them in a size 5 for little G?






I just love this handsome little man. I am a little saddened that his adorable cheeks are slowly disappearing as he turns into a little boy though.





Here he is checking out what it means to line up at his bus stop with all the big kids. for the record..he didn't even miss me. nor was he scared. he in fact refused to let me drive him to school on the first day. And I am pretty sure I was the only kinder mom who walked away before the bus even drove off.. amazingly enough I didn't cry.



This is one of Con Man's best buds here in good ol happy valley. It melted my heart to see how he took the big brother roll and makes sure every morning that gavin is ok on the bus. He also walks him to his class. how cute is that. Can you see the Smile on my little boys face...A d o r a b l e.



So there you have it. An official happy mothers day to me of sorts. Except I miss them already............................................................................................... even when the little one leaves behind his special vanilla milk I bought him a week ago in the car without me knowing ....it ended up EXPLODING all over my car... and well apparently due to the heat these things can EXPODE like a BOMB...I love when i dont know about these "special" things that are left behind in the car. I got to spend over 5 hours cleaning up milk bomb "explosion" EVERYWHERE. You can imagine due to the heat and a week long of fermenting how amazingly awesome my car must smell... lets just say it is a good thing this little kindergartner is cute. And I sure hope the car can start to smell better... it is never good to start out your day gagging every time you have to drive somewhere.

Special people of Utah

What happens in Utah (I'm not going to mention which city, but it is very nearish to utah lake) when you have garage sales. Well..we all know the saying "if you build it they will come" well, thanks to my neighbor..she built it and I decided to last minute be apart of it...and I TELL it was hysterical.

Check out the few special guests that hit up the garage sale...

Can someone please tell me if she is wearing shorts..I mean, I am all about garage sales but I know, me personally, I am pretty sure I would like the world to see I truly did have shorts on ..I would hate to leave people to "wonder" and let their imaginations run wild. Oh Dear.It felt a little uncomfortable and I was honestly a little sad for this poor lady. She was nice enough and bought all sorts of trinkets and treasures..I just for a little bit didn't know if I dare look or not.
..(thank goodness..bless her soul..she was)They were just,I would say,a tad too short) I am all about over sized T-Shirts....I would just prefer a little longer shorts.



Then we get this DUDE...I mean...really..SERIOUSLY????......It was as if Crocodile Dundee was out on the loose..except this version was really interesting...
old...sweaty..hairy..smelly..Did I mention you could see his bumm crack (yes, mommy I
used bumm instead of butt..but i much prefer to say butt).. I am pretty sure I mentioned hairy. The pics just do not do it justice. This guy sure did make for some good laughs. I am pretty sure everyone stopped in their tracks when he arrived...I much prefer the real crocodile Dundee.His belt buckle was made out of probably someones bones..but no really ..it was some sort of bone.... I am not even going to mention that when he decided to buy something I was the lucky one to receive his money...a one dollar bill. NOT in a wallet like most people do..but it was tucked deep deep down towards the nether regions...this one dollar bill that he pulled deep down out of his front pocket of his jeans, was wet..sick..oh so so sooo sick.. It was a super hot day that day..lets just say I about barfed when he handed me the dollar and it was all wet...ewwww..sick..it was so gross. I had to wash my hands about a million times. It still sickens me to think of how far down the dollar bill was tucked...ok i am sick to my stomach again.We also hid kids inside!(ok not really..the kids really were already inside..)

Zoom in on the picture at your own risk.




Speaking of hiding kids inside..

This gentlemen was at a children's event that was put on by the city.... ummm...did I
mention it was a children's event. It was a bird/reptile show. FOR CHILDREN..this dude gets spotted in the crowd..now look closely at this pic..does it look like he is the father of all the children surrounding him? ummm...I think not..I am pretty sure he is also not an uncle or close relative either..it looks a little bit creepy if you ask me..but i am just sayin...

look closely




......................................................................now you can see that i tried to zoom in on the pics a little bit.....


Look up at the above picture again...Do you notice the little girl off to the left who looks like she is crying..



did you notice the little girl looking away from him probably trying to spot her mom to come and save her. He was, by the way not with any of the girls..but i am still totally creeped out by his reasoning for being a children's show..sitting by all those little girls..I am not so sure if he was their to check out the reptiles "prey" or "prey" on all the children at the show...not cool.

The grateful dead Tye die shirt wasn't working for me..or for him for that matter. I did however keep a very close eye on all the kids around him to make sure everyone stayed safe. but seriously...

S E R I O U S L Y.
that is all I have to say.

goodbye summer

This little boy started his first day of second grade today. Today officially ended our little summer hiatus.





A good friend of mine had said a few weeks ago it would feel like mothers day when both kids got into school:)I guess for me i have to wait another week..but for all of you others mommies who had their kids go back to school today..happy mothers day!

It will be nice to have the kiddos get back on a schedule again..but this morning was not exactly the way i had thought the morning would go. It left my youngest throwing a massive meltdown after we got back from taking his older brother to the bus stop. In fact, it took me over two hours to get the littest calm enough to even talk to me this morning. And it broke my heart. He was just sad that his best friend left him all day for school.(he doesnt start until next week.)So it took me getting pretty creative to get him out of his sad little mood. How come it works so much better on everyone elses kids..but my own..woozers...it feels like it takes me forever to cheer them up again.

The oldest made it home. He had a good day. We talked about his class. His teacher, his school friends that he got to see..you know, all those fun things that us mommies want to hear about the minute they walk in the door.He had said he had a good day.

About an hour later.. he decided he wanted me to take him to buy him some pokemon cards(this is about a daily request...no matter how many cards he already owns.) I told him I wouldnt(I know..I know.how dare I say no), so he also is having a tantrum like you would not think an 8 year old could produce. Good times Good times. Now I completely understand what my mom went through when i was little and threw my temper tantrums. hahahahaha..i guess what goes around does actually come around. I will be glad when we get used to our new schedule, then we all can be able to get through the day without such massive meltdowns:)

At least the little one is not sad anymore. You kow when you get to the point where you feel like you either laugh or cry..well i had that this afternoon so i went with laughing. I am sure the crying with come later. I have been attempting to straighten the house today. The littlest has been really excited to use scissors and pratice cutting paper today, so i have been finding small pieces of paper all over the place..And i mean ALL OVER THE PLACE. He has been busy working hard on his masterpieces so i gotta just roll with it and laugh. The oldest during his temper tantrum decided to throw everything that he could get his hand onto. So now that he has calmed down, he is learning the hard way about having to clean up what he destroyed.

is it bedtime yet? At least is it bedtime for mommy yet?

Here is to one more week before the little one starts kindergarten.

Here is to more massive meltdowns..

but..here is to being able to snuggle them after they have calmed down and realize that their momma still loves them dearly. we will make it through. one minute at a time:)

BREATHE IN and BREATHE OUT.

Life has an interesting way of twists and turns along our path of life. I know for me this has come to light more times than I would have thought possible in my 30 years of age.(I cannot believe I.. A. admitted my age..and B: just threw my age out for a lovely reminder )

I have been through so much these last few years that I cannot imagine how I agreed to sign myself up for this.. But I Did. And I knew it was for a purpose.

Our family three weeks ago, had a turn of events that would make all of us question how could this be happening. I sometimes still catch myself saying that phrase..then I remember....WAIT. We knew this life would be difficult. We knew it would be HARD..So with what has happened, it has made me stop in my tracks and THINK. What is most important.

To me..my family is very important. I believe it will through these difficult times..through the trials we are all going through, that will bring us all closer together as a family unit.

I know for me..I get my comfort in turning to my Father In Heaven. He knows us. He knew the trials we would go through. I am so grateful for the belief's that I have. I am so grateful that we have the Atonement. I know the situation will not change and that this will not be easy..but I do know, Our Savior Jesus Christ, has felt all of the feelings that have been haunting me day in and day out. He knows what we are going through. He can and will HEAL us. It is just going to take faith on our part.

I am going to post verbatim what my brother, Matt, posted on his facebook last night. It has been an incredibly hard time for our family. One day life is normal..the next it all changes.

It really makes you think about what is important in life...this has taught me to cherish every single moment I have with my family, not that I cherished it before..but it definitely is an eye opener. It kills me that I have to be so far away from them during this time. I know that they are not alone going through this trial.I know Heavenly Father has NOT EVER LEFT Their side. I know my heart is always with you matt and jocelyn. I was so blessed to be able to go down and help you guys for the small amount of time that I was able to.

Here is my brother, matt's, description from last night..


‎2 years, 4 months, 13 days, 2 hours, 16 minutes and 30 seconds ago, (and counting), Avery was born.

2 years, 4 months and 12 days ago, we brought Avery home for the first time.

23 days, 20 hours and 36 minutes ago, what we thought was just another routine childhood illness with a fever began.

16 days, 3 hours, and 39 minutes ago we were hit with a freight train when we found a mass on Avery's left kidney.

8 days, 2 hours, and 43 minutes ago, the cancer-laden left kidney was removed.

In 1 day, 15 hours and 44 minutes, we will begin chemotherapy to destroy the remaining cancer. This will shortly be followed with radiation therapy. Over the next 6-8 months the fight will continue...

But for now, as of 45 minutes and 30 seconds ago, we FINALLY were reunited as a family.......at HOME! Yes, that is right! Avery is home!!!! Her surgery for her port-a-cath placement went well and they decided we could go home today! We are blessed to have such great family and friends supporting Avery (and us) during this time. We are thankfull to all. It might take some time to say thank you, return calls, messages etc..... but till then, realize many thanks and much appreciation! I will keep everyone posted, but for now, I am gonna go have a nap, on MY bed, with MY daughter, in MY house, on her homecoming.


I know my family would appreciate all the prayers we can get for my beautiful little two year old niece, Avery, and her battle with stage 4 cancer. I know God is a God of miracles. I know he hears each and everyone of our prayers. I am so grateful tonight.. as I sat here at my computer.....i got a phone call from my amazing little avery. We talked again about "ruff ruff" her "pretty lips" i sang to her twinkle twinkle little star..as well as hickory dickory Dock. We talked and i listened to her voice and it made me smile. She just melts my heart. These call's that matt and jocie do for me, they mean the world to me. I Love that little girl as if she is my own.

To back track for those of you that follow me(if I even have any follower's left hahaha) We have tried to keep everyone updated and informed via facebook. But I wanted to be able to journal the events happening.

This is again written by my brother to let our family and friend's know what was going on after we got her results back from her pathology reports.

"Hmmm.... where to begin. So much information, so little space. First off. pathology finally came back. Avery's diagnosis is High Risk Wilms, Favorable Histology. They removed 8 lymph nodes during her surgery and one was positive. The tumor has also spread to her lungs with numerous (i.e. 15 or so) metastatic lesions in both lungs. This makes her cancer a Stage 4. ‎(Stage 1 being the “best” i.e. least amount of disease, Stage 4 having tumor spread to other parts of the body which of course is never a good thing). What does this all mean? Well, as with everything else, Joce and I need to make a decision on whether or not to undergo conventional therapy or enroll Avery in a clinical trial for a different protocol of therapy. The main differences between the two are the types of chemotherapy used. Either way, given she has Stage 4 disease; she will need radiation therapy to her abdomen and all the risks and problems associated with that. We will get the radiation therapy planning CT tomorrow, the chest port for long term IV access on Friday, and will start chemotherapy and radiation treatments on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. The chemotherapy regimen will last 25 or 31 weeks depending on how she responds and what protocol we fall into based upon her clinical response (i.e. are the pulmonary metastatic lesions going away) as well as the results of DNA analysis of the tumor.) Please continue to pray for Avery as we continue this marathon. Thank you all for your support and prayers."

Back track to just a couple weeks ago. I will never forget the phone call my mom and dad received from my brother. It was a wed or thursday night. I happened to be over hanging out (which i do quite often). The minute my mom got off the phone I knew something was up. As you can tell you can see how difficult this was to take in. Avery had been very ill for about 10 days. One minute you think your baby is just sick, you know the sickness we all get a couple time's a year...then the next, as part of that workup you find out that your baby has a 9 cm cancerous tumor on her left kidney. I know for me, it seemed as if the world started spinning slower and slower. I was in shock. It didnt quite hit me until friday evening. Then my eomtions hit me like a brick wall. She was admitted to the hospital and I could feel how your entire life starts to spin around you. My dad and mom and I packed up and headed down to california on monday. 4 days after the first phone call from my brother. I am so blessed I was able to go. Spending my nights with avery in the hospital have turned out to be some of the most spiritual most amazing nights that I have had. She is amazing. Her spirit is so strong. She is a fighter. I mean of course she is..she is a Pond..and those that do know us..well you know we can put up a hell of a fight. (sorry mom and dad i swore..:) you still love me right?

Anyhow..Avery has had her cancer-laden kidney removed. Like my brother said up above, she starts chemo and radiation to destroy the remaining cancer in her little body. It is going to be a fight. And i just am asking for anyone who reads this..friend or stranger, to please pray for my family.Pray for precious little Avery.. Pray for strength for Averys Parents. I know my family really appreciates it.

While I was in the hospital with Avery one night..I was listening to my ipod softly. She had just fallen asleep after a long exhausting day after her surgery. I sat and watched her sleeping in her "dungeon princess crib" I called it. The lyrics started playing and i just got so emotional. I sat and watched her. I knew that I was going to have to leave in a few days. I was emotional. but this was just the song I needed to hear at the time. I sat and watched her breathe in and out for hours. I titled this post, Breath in and Breathe out.

The song was by mat kearney and it is titled "breathe in and breathe out". It is by far one of my favorites..

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubts
Everybody bleeds this way, just the same
Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
If I’m out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
In every day there comes a song with the dawn
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out

Look left, look right
To the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Anyhow.I will have to journal post my pics of my time while I was with her this last week. I just need to get them loaded to my computer.

here is one of me and my princess in her hospital room one morning:)


For now..every ones prayers for my family are greatly appreciated.

when life throws you a lemon......take a bite out of these

BEST doorbell suprise EVER~!

check it out~




I mean how could these not cheer you up when you have had an emotionally exhausting week/weekend.

.....to the culprit who made these for me(you know you you are)...you seriously made my night.. and yes, I have to admit I almost peed my pants because I was laughing so hard. These trully did put a smile on my face..in fact, everytime I look at them I start laughing hysterically to the point I actually might have peed my pants ...TMI..sorry.

The best part is, I went to take a bite out of the bottom half, it actually made me feel a little dirty biting the part of the cookie with the string bikini~ just sayin..but of course it didnt stop me. Wonder what the top half will make me feel like...:)I cant wait!

truly..hands down.. one of the BEST gifts EVER to cheer you up when you are feeling down.

mosquitos are the devil

yes..mosquito's are the devil. i hate the itching madness..I hate that they love me so very much. i mean.. i am quite the catch..hahahahahaha ..jk..but really..i am pretty sure those biting little boogers are of the devil. and really..one bit my hand right next to my thumb..it Itch's so freakin bad. And who bites someone right next to your thumb..it just seems like such a weird spot...i am not going to mention the other 40 bazillion bites i have everywhere else...it is driving me c r a z y~

on the other hand..the lighting storm tonight was freakin amazing. Like really really spectacular. It was so amazing to watch the sky light up. i am pretty sure for me tonight was much more amazing then the fireworks yesterday. yesterday was a hard day for me.. that and tonight i had my two little boys back with me watching this spectacular event play out also. this is something they have never seen to this extent before. they loved it. we were driving across the valley tonight following the storm and i am pretty sure it made my kids night..it made my night also... it was so beautiful. lighting storm watching is a bonus while living in utah during the good ol summer. it has been over 11 years since i have seen something as amazing as what i saw tonight.

on another note....my low beam light on my van went out. my lil bro and dad had tried fixing it but it was not budging. in fact we accidentally changed the wrong light bulb and changed the high beam instead of the low beam..but i decided to go drive over to o'riellys auto part store. At the time we didnt know we had changed the wrong bulb. I just want to give a huge shout out and thank you to the boy who worked there tonight(who might i add.. was very rough looking around the edges, and looked as if he was from the west side gang here in utah..it that exists..i am pretty sure it exists) He did not have to change this light..in fact he had told me that the company used to help customers in fixing things but this one one they don't like to fix because with my van this light is very difficult to change and can break stuff if you are not careful. he said there were too many things that could break and the store doesn't want to be liable....but out of the goodness of his heart, after I am pretty sure he could see i was almost about to start crying(it had been a difficult last 24 hours and for some reason my emotion started to come out of nowhere in the middle of the store),he told me he would come outside with me and take a look at it. Not sure if he wanted to help fix it or try to just get me to NOT cry. hahahahahaha but He ended up spending over 45 mins of his time to help fix it. He said it was the most stubborn part he has ever had to fix. He also mentioned multiple times how much he hates minivans and couldn't understand why i drove this. bahahahahahah.. Did i mention it was pouring rain while he worked on changing the light.What this boy didn't realize was how much this meant to me. i have been going through a whole lot and this little act of service seriously made my night. Did I mention how I didn't have to pay him a dime(except for the actual part..I thanked him over and over and made sure he knew how grateful I was and how he made my night. He went back inside to work, inside where it wasn't raining.... i went to get my car started to drive home..and poof .my car didn't start. i sat there about ready to start crying. again. I just felt so helpless. I called my dad to come jump start my car. I had sat in my car for a few minutes and decided I would just go into the store again so I could wait for my dad out of the rain. The boy who worked there asked if everything was ok ..I told him my car had died...he said ..oh no problem..he can come jump start it for me. they have special machines that hook to the battery and it will start up super fast. He then informed me the reason it died was because I have a weak battery installed from walmart..lovely..but he told me he could jump start it. So then I call my dad back to tell him to not worry about coming out to the store to help me..and what I ended up saying to my dad went like this..."dad you don't need to come..they are jumping me right now." WOW..double WOW ..that came out wrong. lets just say.. my cute dad about died of laughter..not to mention, the two people who work at the store just about fell over from laughing so hard. I am glad I was able to make two people who looked straight out of the west side gang laugh that hard. It also made me laugh. like really laugh. like gut wrenching laugh..that laugh was very much what I needed. I love how laughter is therapy. The boy from the store told me the other person who worked at the store also drove a minivan and that I should start a minivan gang..I told him i would think about it. bahahahaha..i could start the "west side bullet" minivan gang. I decided I would do it. As of know, there is my van, and the other store employees van..so anyone else who is in..let me know..i will get the bandannas made.

...and with that..it is getting late..the thunder is booming my house right now.The rain is pouring down and the lighting is still lighting up the sky.

all will be well ...there are lots of things to be grateful for, despite the trials.

oh one last thing..conner played his baseball game tonight! he freakin rocked! that'A boy lil C! you make your momma proud! And you rocked it out tonight! I love watching you play baseball!

Califor-NI-A Oranges

This morning, I woke up and thought how much I was craving sinking my teeth into this: I know you are looking at this thinking..an orange...really...but seriously..hooly mother of goodness..these are A-freakin-mazing!



We went to california a few months ago. I made it a point to make sure the oranges got loaded into the car.. before even the kids did. The kids didnt mind though because i am pretty sure they ate more of these a day then I did.

If any of you have not sunk your teeth into an amazing california orange around oh like march-ish..then i highly suggest you make a trip to california during that time. you will not be dissapointed.

I promise you will wake up just like I did today, wishing you too had more of of these to eat in your fruit bowl.

Dear Dad…

Dear Dad…

A true father is always there. He is there to spill tears of happiness when his eyes fall upon his infant daughter. He is there with arms to catch her when she takes her first steps or stumbles. He is there to teach her at the youngest age, even though she might not understand half of it. He is there to help her color inside the lines, to tie her shoes. He is there to teach her how to throw a baseball or kick a soccer ball. He is there to teach her how to float in the water in the hottub so she can gaze above at the stars. He is there to hug her and kiss her on her first days of school, and to walk her in if need be. He is there to teach her and tease her and laugh with her. He is there to tell her to go ask her mother, when her mother told her to ask him. He is there to lecture her, prepare her for the monster called high school. He is there to put up with her teenage moods and her crazy relationships. He is there to approve, disapprove, accept and forgive. He is there to give her a gorgeous flower lei when she graduates from that place called high school, to smile when her name is called and feel proud. He is there to embrace her and kiss her before she goes to live hundreds of miles away for her next life adventure with her newly married self. He is there cheering her on and crying tears of happiness as she becomes a mother herself. He is there to hold and comfort her firstborn son and he gets poked and prodded his first two weeks of life. He is there to take her second son on little adventures to cheer him up while his big brother is at school. He is there to teach those little children how to color in the lines and how to kick a soccer ball. He is there to approve, disapprove the things that will come up in those little boys lives. He is there to hold up the flood gates as his daughter faces many trials that will test her to the core. He is there to watch her grow as the lines on his face grow. But most importantly, He is always there to welcome her home, always, and let her hug him and smell the smell she remembers from childhood, the warm, protecting, comforting smell of dad. And most of all, he is always there to love her. And she is always there to love him back.



Dad …I just want to tall you how grateful I am for you. Having a dad like you is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am so blessed to be one of your amazing children. I am very blessed to be able to call you my dad. Thank you for always being there for me. You have been the rock that has held me up and I hope you know what an amazing dad you are. Happy fathers day daddy!! I love you lots and lots!:)



Your daughter

shauna

A new ME

I am working on becoming a new me. I know ..you are all probably thinking ..a new shauna??? why on earth would she want to do that...no worries..I am still the old me..just wanting to define a part of me that hasn't been as present as I have wanted it to be.

I have had some life experiences and events that have happened in my life these last few years that have made me question what is true happiness? I have always thought I had that true happiness, and i thought i had known what that meant.

Then things happen to us and that true happiness feeling that we all can have gets shaken to the core. Like it has for me. I have decided that through these difficult trials that i have been going through,I no longer want to give up on me. I no longer want to give up on what I want for myself. I have asked myself many of times..what can help bring me that true happiness I have been wanting back. Any one of us achieve that true happiness within....and what better time to start getting that back than the present.

So here we have it..I am so excited to take these trials and turn them into valuable lessons for me to one day share and be able to help other people through difficult times as well. I have learned so much about trials and tribulations. I have felt what felt like the flood gates just keep rushing in my life for what can go wrong has gone wrong. I have very many times asked myself..why me..why is this happening to me? It seems like when you think nothing else can get you down ...there is always something that will try to knock you to the ground. Satan is so real. He wants nothing more than to destroy us. He has a plan and his plan is to ruin those that he can get his grasp on. Well guess what Satan..you will not win on my turf. I will not let you win.

Even through these trials that I have been through and am currently experiencing, I can say Iam very grateful for all the many blessings that have happened to me. It seems that everywhere Ilook there is something that happens everyday that helps me
realize how true little miracles can happen in our lives everyday,if we so allow them to. There really are tender mercies that happen. It had taken awhile for me to realize that their is a happiness that can ensue if we allow it. I am working on getting that happiness back.

I was doing some reading( i know ..right..me reading..another miracle)but that is another thing i am am changing..a new reading me! yay)

I have been questioning my own true happiness for quite sometime. It is crazy that yes, even me..the one who seems to have it together..can still feel the need to ask myself this question.

I have been doing alot of soul searching. I have asked myself over and over trying to figure out what TRUE HAPPINESS really means...I read this below and thought it fit perfectly with what i had been experiencing the last few years..."We often fall into the trap of thinking a new car, job promotion, beauty makeover, or fame will make us happy. And often they do—for a time. But it never lasts because wealth, power, beauty, and fame simply don’t bring lasting happiness, as much as we wish they would.

So then i read this..
True Happiness
"True happiness comes from following Christ’s example and developing Christlike attributes such as obedience, goodness, honesty, gratitude, humility, love, charity, and forgiveness. It comes from serving others and helping them to follow Jesus Christ. It comes from controlling the appetites of our human bodies and following the promptings of the Spirit. It comes from working hard and having a healthy lifestyle, friends, family, and personal achievements.

"Regardless of what you do or don’t have in this life, your deepest, most lasting happiness will come from knowing God’s plan and following it.

And that folks is just what I needed to hear to get me through these hard times. This is what it is all about. I know things are never easy. But it hit me that through the hardest of trials...i have learned one thing. There is a power greater than us to help us during our hard times. The Savior, Jesus Christ is there. He can lead us and guide us. I have felt him so much lately and I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything else in the world. It is something I will not take lightly. It is something I have decided that I want to be able to do..It is working on this new me...(which means me,basically being the same amazingly awesome person I was..just with a little bit of extra "umphh" to make me be the person I want to be.)

I want to be close to our Savior. I want to be able to be an example to people that even when things get hard that they can still see that light that shines within me. For those of you that have been and are struggling..There is a peace that can be found. I have felt it.

Here are a few of the quotes that i have lived by the last little while....

"U never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

"it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same."

I am so excited to continue on with the new me!

ok enough of my ramblings for the night.

Check out these adorable little cowboys in my life..








I mean these little men are the light of my life..and i am so grateful for them!

missing in action

I have more than anything been wanting to "journel" for the last little while. I had a small standstill that has made it so i couldnt do it..but yay... i finially got my computer internet working again to the point where i can blog again!! yay! so hopefully there will be a little more of me and all the craziness of my family!

For now here is a pic i ran across that just made me laugh.




I mean, can me and my lil bro be any more "attractive"! just sayin!

Holi Festival twenty eleven!

Looks like I found a new family tradition out here in this ol promised land. We got to go celebrate the Holi festival out here in ol springville, ut. Who woulda thunk that this crazy beautiful building would be sittin out in the middle of farm country...amazingly beautiful ain't it!

Yesterday we went to what is more commonly known as the festival of Coloouuurs! It was unlike anything i have ever been to...and being a portlander..we have have been to many many cool festivals.. but not one quite like this. It was seriously so freakin awesome. I am not sure who had more fun...the mom's... or the kids! it was sooo freakin awesome! I learned that this festival is a ritual done by the hindu religion. Holi marks the end of the winter gloom and rejoices in the bloom of the spring time. So we took advantage of it, oh yes we did.

this is going to be a picture *overload* ...but i just loved all of them all sooo freakin much!
the best part was walking up to this hindu temple..as we were walking we of course had not been "hit" with our first wad of color yet...well the kids would yell to the crowds of people walking by to hit em..and hit em they did! one lady even tried to ask gavin for a hug. ?who does that?..some strange lady wanting to hug my 4 year old...ewww wierd and gross...he of course has good stranger danger and said no. I then remembered where we were at, and realized she wanted to get color all over us since we were white. So my friend melissa and I decided to go ahead and give her a good ol hug. boy of boy..that was interesting to say the least!


























And it is still a mystery how this lil princess was able to stay so colorfree....but lil zaya sure was adorable probably being the only one of thousands left barely unscathed!!